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Save Me...

...from myself.

8/25/05 10:11 pm - Fo' sho'.

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I love them.

Veronica.

Laura.

Johnny.

Loren.

&

Jessy... but she's the one who took the picture and she's not in it. =/

'nuff said.



B®¥ªn

8/19/05 10:28 am

Last night's sleep was really... weird. I had a dream, or maybe it's a nightmare.

My sleep last night was really emotional for some reason. I haven't had a dream or nightmare quite like this.

I had 3 different dreams but somehow they all tie together.

First one was I was a in the army and I was a soldier out in the battlefield. I'm not sure where I was but I wasn't alone. A bunch of other soldiers were with me and I was in a trench with some civilians. The other soldiers were up top guarding the trench. It was dark and dusty. I could remember the sky being dark orange or brown and I could just hear gunshots and scream, basically the sound of war... but this dream was kinda familiar. I think I've had this dream before, though.

My second dream, I was in a more calm and subtle place now. I was in a house, the sun was shining through the window and it was a clear and bright day. I was in a room. I was just walking around and looking at the stuff in the room. Then I sat on a chair and cried my eyes out... You know what the weird part is? I felt myself crying while I was sleeping. Seriously. I could feel myself crying in my dream and in reailty but somehow I couldn't wake up and I couldn't stop my tears in reality.

Then I guess the dream was done and I dozed off.

But another one came up. Now, I was in a neighborhood and it was at night. I was searching for something, or someone. I'm not sure. I was just running around. Then, I was talking to a person but I'm not sure. After, I started running to a house but it had a white barred fence around it. I saw my little brother, E-Jay. Sitting on one of those pool chairs. I think I yelled out his name 'cause he stood up and ran towards me between the fence. I started crying again... I also started crying in reality again and I could feel it.

Then, finally I got to open my eyes and I see my kitty Pepper looking at me, haha. She's so cute.

But yeah, those were my dreams or nightmares last night. I don't know what to think of them. Hopefully, they're just... dreams. My eyes kinda hurt still.

B®¥ªn

8/15/05 11:14 pm - We all have insecureties. Deal with it.

Okay.

You know when some people tell you that 'I feel your pain' or 'I know what you're going through' or 'It will all get better, you'll see'.

Yeah, you've heard those words before... if you haven't, lucky you then.

As you may know, our emotions make us the person who we are. Something that happened in the past, things that have been happening right now, and your sights on your future.

Some people think that it is completely hopeless to be 'happy'. I'm guilty as charged on that one. But then sooner or later, everything does seem to be the way you want it to be going. You might not realize it because you're so preoccupied on just feeling the same, sad, disgusting emotion over and over again.

Thus, you also realize that some things that you have done have consequences and you couldn't turn them back anymore. That is the sucky part. Not realizing you have hurt someone rather than yourself. You become feeling selfish and the cycle starts over again in the hole you've dug before.

This is the reality of us human beings, nowadays. Especially, teenagers. It's really sad how things have turned out. It has become somewhat of a 'clique' or 'popularity' to become these angry, depressed people.

I'm not completely saying that everyone that has been through this are fakers, but when you think about it and you see right through a person, you realize that it's all just an act to 'fit in'. For that, those people make the fact that there are real suffering people out there somewhat hypocritical and hard to read through.

Some parents have lost sons or daughters because of vicious crimes.

Some teenagers have committed suicide.

Some children had suffered the heavy hands of their own fathers and/or mothers.

Some people have incurable diseases.

There's so much more suffering going on not just in the United States but all around the world. Ever heard of the AIDS and HIV crisis in Africa? Yeah.

Life has a lot of shit in store for us as individuals. You can just sit through them and take them or do something about it. It's your choice.

I know I'm a hypocrite for writing this but people just piss me off, that includes myself. You're not perfect and I'm not perfect.

No one's perfect.

If perfection exists in people, it's just, to say the least, boring.

Think about it.

We all have our 'whinings'. It's okay to let them out. But it's not the end of the world. There's a chance for you to be content about everything in your life.

Patience. That's just it.

I'm learning.

I hope you are too.

B®¥ªn

8/15/05 06:49 pm - Doo.

Kelly Clarkson )

Ryan Cabrera )

Jessica Simpson )

The Starting Line )

B®¥ªn

8/15/05 03:00 am - But tell me, what happens when it stops?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

I have no idea.

B®¥ªn

8/14/05 12:13 am - So yeah...

I've not been reading other people's journals or even commenting them.

I don't mean to be a snob or a bitch.

I just don't feel like it.

And whenever I write a new entry, it's just for letting out stuff. I don't expect anyone to read or comment it, either.

So yeah... just some clearance.

I can't wait to go back to school. The orientation os gonna be on Tuesday. I have one week left.

I made some stuff on Paint today.

Stuff. )

B®¥ªn

8/12/05 11:15 pm - What the fuck's wrong with me?!

So, this morning Daniel & I went to the soup kitchen thing at the church again. Alli & Rachel was there, so as Alli's cute brother, Lance.

Anyway, my point is... Alli's mom's friend, Christina, brought her 2 nephews. They're both cute but the other one was cute & hot, hot damn.

I think he's like 14 or 15, though but nonetheless, he was hot.

I thought...

Now, when I think, it tends to be negative.

I can never have a guy... or boy like that.

NEVER.

Oh fucking well, Bryan.

Life's not fair.

Get over it?

No, cry about it and never get over it.

I'm in need, you see.

In NEED.

Don't you understand?

No you don't.

You probobly do.

But I'd like to think you don't.

Hot damn, he was hot.

Okay, I'm done.

B®¥ªn

8/11/05 01:18 am - Uh oh.

Guess what?

I'm in my whining state.

And my bitchy state.

And my depressed state.

Oh the joy.

Guess what I want?

Mhmm. You guessed it.

A boyfriend.

I saw a picture... a cute picture.

Of a couple.

And I got jealous.

But it was cute, though.

Yeah...

Just yeah...

Male love?

Just what I need.

B®¥ªn

8/8/05 02:06 am - Aaaaaaaaah!

This weekend has been the best fuckin' weekned ever! Except for Sunday, but my weekend really started on Friday.

Friday was Sammie's birthday party. I couldn't wait. Daniel dropped me off at Laura & Veronica's house and we waited there for Danissa to come pick us up to Sammie's house.

After a long wait she finally comes and Jessy's with her. We cram in the car and we get to Sammie's house and there was a bouce house. It was awesome, haha. Sammie & Samm weren't there 'cause they picked up Johnny. The 5 of us waited for a while then they finally came. It was so awesome to see them all again.

But yeah, we stayed in her room & talked & took pictures & whatnot.

Then Sammie brings in a bottle of Black Cherry Smirnoff. Ah, it tasted so awesome. Then there was pizza out in the kitchen, we hung out there then watched some T.V. More Smirnoff in her room too. Then she brought out the vodka. I mixed mine with orange soda. I was practically in heaven right then & there.

Just the whole night was pretty awesome. I spent the night there with everyone that came. Our plan was to sleep in the bounce house. I got fucking wasted that night. Omigosh, I would never forget it.

Sammie's mom bought more Smirnoff, now it was the Green Apple flavor. Laura went home early 'cause she felt really sick & threw up but she didn't even drink. Probobly the T.V. dinner she ate when we were still at her house. Veronica & I went with Sammie's mom to drop her off.

I can't explain all of the details but it was just so awesome. I don't have words to really describe it. I just kept drinking & drinking & drinking, bottle after the other. First it was just the Black cherry Smirnoff, then it was vodka with soda then lemonade with vodka. Later that night, which was like 2 in the morning, I drank the 2 last Green Apple Smirnoff with Jessy and we were in the bounce house just chilling.

Danissa's 'boyfriend' came with his friend and 2 girls. One girl looked really wasted. But they came. The guy's name is Andrew and his friend was such a fuckin' hottie. His name was Robbie. I talked to him and the 2 other girls. The Robbie guy remembered me from Jr. High & I didn't even recognize him, I just thought he was hot, haha. But yeah. One time Danissa told him that I thought he was hot and Danissa told me he got scared of me, haha. A drunk gay guy liking him was a scary though, haha.

But yeah, after the Smirnoff, I went to beer. I drank like 3 bottles. I drank the most out of everyone. Jeebus. I've never drank that much in my life. Last time wwas last summer but that was only 5 shots of whiskey. There was this car that kept driving by us. It stopped and people or a person was yelling out of the car. The people were black, I think & I couldn't see them, haha. I said that out load, everyone laughed but told me to lower it down too, haha. Omigosh.

I can't wait to get drunk again. It'll probobly be a long while again but who knows.

There's so much more but I don't feel like typing.

Then Saturday was Denise's birthday party. I had a total hangover that day. It wasn't good. But yeah, I went anyway and it was a pool party. I kinda got sick some of the time but I hand;ed it. I even swam, even though I didn't know how to swim, heh.

But that was pretty much my weekend.

I want it back.

B®¥ªn

7/17/05 12:45 am - Omigosh.

Today was just the day I needed.

My whole day was so awesome.

Daniel picked me up from my house to go to the moves at 10 A.M. He was driving his truck just by himself and he got all nervous when a cop car passes by, haha. He doesn't have his lisence yet, that's why.

We saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was hella funny, espceially the scene where the contestants were watching the puppet show before they entered the factory. I couldn't stop laughing. Daniel kept laughing too. That movie is so random at a lot of the scenes, it's awesome.

After, we go back to Daniel's house and just watched T.V. He got a new cable box in his room. Then, I was on his MySpace 'cause I was editting it then our friend Laura leaves him a comment. So we decide to invite her and her sister Veronica to the movies. Loren wasn't going anymore 'cause she was going to a county fair. But our other friend Natalie was going too.

So, Daniel and I pick up Laura and Veronica. Us 4 just chilled in Blimpie's for a while then bought our tickets. A while later Natalie came already and we were all there. We saw Fantastic 4.

It was good, except for the love story. I thought it prolonged the movie. But the Torch guy was freakin' hot! He really was. I'd do him. Mhmm. Anyway...

After the movies, we decided to stop by the mall. We walked around a little but the mall was closing. Saw we just chilled in Barnes & Nobles 'cause that part of the mall doesn't close until later. After, we chilled at Daniel's house. We kept hearing knocking noises, we were getting scared, haha. Then, Daniel dropped off Natalie, then me.

We all just chilled in my room for a while too, then Daniel had to go home so they left and he dropped off Veronica and Laura.

Omigosh. I loved this day. I actually did and went to places the whole day today. I just really needed it...

B®¥ªn

7/16/05 12:20 am - I won't sleep...

I really need some guy comfort.

I've had more than enough of girl comforts... I've been dying for some guy comfort.

Sucks, though. There's no guys... 'cause I'm so picky. If I do like a guy, he's either taken or has someone else that they like.

I wanna go in a dark corner right now so badly. I think I'm gonna go outside.

I hate this.

Every fucking time...

I've been listening to the same song over and over again since last night. It's from Dido called 'Here With Me.' It tells exactly how I've been feeling.

I hate it too, but I love it.

I make everything so complicated.

I'm hurting myself in purpose again, emotionally, not physically.

B®¥ªn

7/12/05 01:16 am - ...

What Linkin Park sings is really true...

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Yeah.

Kill me.

B®¥ªn

7/9/05 11:52 pm - Last beautiful... whatever.

I hate being so fuckin' indecisive.

I hate being so fuckin' desperate.

I hate being so fuckin' insecure.


B®¥ªn

7/8/05 03:18 am - ...

...always so far away.

Why...

B®¥ªn

7/7/05 01:19 am

My fuckin' MySpace is "under maintenance", blah blah blah. Ah, I want my MySpace back, it's been a day of torture, I tell you. TORTURE!!! Anyway...

Yesterday I spent some time alone with my g-ma. She wanted to talk so she did... but it wasn't the kinda talk I was expecting... or wanted. I don;'t wanna get in detail. Even though I'm bored to death I'm still lazy and listening to Dido which is making me very sleepy but I don't wanna sleep yet.

I really need to change my user pic already, it's getting annoying. I need some fucking attention right now. Oh well. Life's not fair. Um, yeah.

I don't know what else.

I miss Christopher.

B®¥ªn

7/2/05 10:40 pm - Na na na na na na na.

Another day with my lovely wifey, Loren )

B®¥ªn

7/1/05 11:06 am - Morning comes...

Wednesday with Loren )

Thursday with Veronica & Laura )

That was the past 2 days. Fun, eh? Today, Dawn's suppose to be coming back up from down the hill. I was talking to her last night, hopefully we can hang out today or something. But for sure on Sunday. Right now I'm just downloading songs from Coldplay.

B®¥ªn

6/26/05 07:03 pm

I got this out of a MySpace bulletin. It's the month I was born in and it tells the things that you are. I just wanted to share 'cause... everything was true.


FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

...I wanna know who came up with this. O_O

B®¥ªn

6/25/05 09:58 pm - Pepsi Vanilla, yo.

Today was the "date" with Zach.

Ah. I just thought he was so cute when I saw him, haha. He was a little shorter than me and he had his little hoodie on.

Well, I get to the movies and I didn't see him yet. I met up with Misty and her cousin. We all had a nice little chat until Misty's mom picked them up. Misty kept hitting me, it hurts. =( Anyway...

I was in line to buy my ticket when I saw Zach peeking out the doors. he already got his ticket. We were gonna see Batman Begins.

THAT MOVIE IS SO AWESOME! If you haven't seen it, you should. It's like Action/Comedy/Drama/Thriller/Horror in one movie. I definitely wanna see it again.

Well Zach and I sat at the very back of the theatre on the floor, haha. We got there kinda 10 minutes into the movie and the seats were filled already.

There wasn't any "fooling around" just hitting each other, it was fun, heh.

Zach reminded me of me though. I think he was all shy and uptight around me 'cause it was the first time we met. I'm like that on my first dates with the guys I've been. I guess now, I think, I'm feeling what the guys I went out me feel. This time around the guy I'm with was younger and smaller than me. Andrew was older and Adam was bigger. But, I don't know.

That was basically my day. After the movie his brother dropped me off my house. Then I went to AM/PM to buy nachos, heh. I'm still eating the right now, it's been like an hour and a half, haha. But there's shitload though. O_O Yes... it's more than a crapload. =P *Inside joke*

B®¥ªn

6/24/05 12:01 am - ...

I want to... )
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